i must admit,
i felt a bit obligated to write today.
i'm such a slacker. i abuse this journal so. even my infrequent posts mean little to nothing. they're empty words. when i really have something to say i never write...
i feel a storm is coming into my life soon. it's been too quiet, too stagnant. one can only hope this is furthest from the truth--but to be honest, one may very well be on it's way. it it a storm named "my adult life".
what the hell am i supposed to do after college is over? where will i live? who will hire me? will i still be with my beloved? where will my friends go?
i am savoring my last bits of freedom and youth before i am forced headlong into the world of weathered, graying, and disenchanted adults. "it's not that bad", you're probably saying. well, for me, it is. i just don't want to grow up.
live on my own? - check
live by my own monetary gains - check
decide on temporary career goals - check
procure and automobile - check (though it has decided to forsake me and go into disrepair)
i'm making progress. i cannot help but feel saddened that this is the long beginning to the end.
"what a dismal and pessimistic way at looking at the rest of your life!" i know. i know...
i need something more, though. i cannot become just another faceless adult in a sea of unhappy persons fighting day after day, with the stench of "failure" marking me. i refuse to cloy in the dark for what little of myself i have left after years of self-abuse and self-neglect. i want individuality, and love and truth and happiness and knowledge and innocence and openness and i want Life. i want Life.
so school has started. i have two jobs, 18 credits, an internship (teaching at the elementary school) and, i am planning on joining a co-ed fraternity that does community service projects (it looks great on my resume). i have so many great things going on for me this semester. why am i so damn miserable? why can't i just be satisfied with the way things are... not ask questions, make waves or bother anybody for anything? why am i so damn lonely?
i made a promise ...
kind of a pact.
it's the only thing stopping me from doing it. heh.
I never wanted to stop being your friend. And I should understand that everyone has the right to be jealous. I'm sorry for being so brash about all of that and hurting you. It's probably too late for apologizing but I couldn't put it off any longer. If you still want to talk I'm cool with that. If not I understand.
it's certainly a shock to hear from you. you really, REALLY did hurt me again. i just don't think you understand why i was even jealous, but whatever. thank you for the apology. i don't know what kind of friendship that we will be able to have at this point, but i'll talk to you if you want. IM me or whatever.
i am pretty much confused about what the fuck i should do. why is he trying to come back into my life? is he back just to cause more pain? he swears (once again that he never meant to hurt me). this is pretty much torture because for some reason we just can't shake each other? what does that mean?
"...and you can't take back what you said."
SO, Nick is officially dead to me. he deleted me from facebook and i deleted him from everything else; my phone, AIM, etc. I really can't stand him anymore. i'm rescinding my gift (a ticket to a Dir en Grey concert). he wants to reimburse me but i declined and said "i don't want your money. i was the fool who thought you were a friend." this way our exchange over Facebook.
Today at 7:48pm
i hope you're happy with whatever choices you make. "i don't think i am ever going to let you out of my life again"... do you remember that? probably not. you can't consider yourself my friend when you do stuff that hurts me so badly. i have given you everything i could. you constantly tell me what you think i want to hear. i've done nothing to you but try and be a good friend. thanks for repaying me. you deserve whatever you get.
Nicholas Andrew Johnson
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Today at 7:57pm
I don't even know what to say. I was just pissed off because of your jealousy. Did I say I was never going to talk to you again? No. But you know what? I'm not going to sit here and let you talk down to me. I deserve whatever I get? Fine. Have nothing to do with me then if you so wish it. Maybe we were meant to never be friends again. Stay out of my life and I'll stay out of yours. I won't come to Brockport ever again. I'll stay away from there like it's the plague.
Today at 8:07pm
"Did I say I was never going to talk to you again? No." ...when did i say that you said that? i am upset because yet again you have hurt me. i can be jealous if i want to be. i do have emotions you know... regardless if you're the one who thinks i am talking down to you, i'm always the one getting hurt. i'm the one crying and feeling lost. you say you love me, etc. but you don't have time for me... yet you make time for your other friends. how am i supposed to feel? that's why i am jealous. if you never want to talk to me again, fine. but just know that i'm not the one who hurt you. i've never lied to you or deceived you. i try to be as honest as possible without hurting you. you've broken my heart more than once. do you think it's easy for me to get over that. i wanted to be your friend again because i thought you were worth it. even after basically everyone in my life calls me an idiot for talking to you, i STILL do. if you think that i'm a plague or whatever, fine. don't bother with me. i'll be your loss.
i'll write about what transpired later.
i will add you if:
• i already know you, and we're friends.
• you show me that we have a common interest.
• you are not my parents/brother.
• you respect my opinions, views and choices (you don't have to agree).
• you are a fan of anime, manga, japanese music, sewing/crafts, literature or fashion, i will be more likely to add you.
comment here and i'll add you.